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[personal profile] randomramblingtidbits
 Okay, I know that I can't survive on the salary of a paraprofessional and I know that for some odd reason my mom hates it when I say I'm a paraproffesional (whenever we are mingling she always reminds me to say that I'm a 'teacher assistant' instead of parapro when talking about my job) but I also just want some time to relax in the job security I have without worrying. Even when I bring up me saving up to move out, my parents always reassure me that they are fine with me living at home since I'm working and help out around the house. And I can understand not wanting me to stagnate, but after the roller coaster that is my life and job search, I just want to sit back and enjoy the fact that I have a job to return to.

....I've been feeling pretty depressed lately over this. I've been out of school for a year and the test for the certification are expensive (a hundred dollars a test and I have to take three of them!), which just makes me more anxious. My mother told me to pick a date to take the test and then was wondering why I was acting strange and having trouble sleeping. At least she admitted that she put too much pressure on me and relented in just paying for the practice tests for me to study with. But I'm still hesitant about the test because, well, who ever encourages someone to be a teacher? Mom always 'jokes' about how I should go to pharmacy school and not matter how much I say that I don't like it, she always brushes it off as 'you know that this is just the joke between you and me'. But with more of my friends in my graduating class voicing second thought and hearing the teacher I work with complain about standards and policies and all the little things that add up, it's pretty discouraging. I like my job as a parapro and I like my workload. I've been complemented about how I'm one of the best note-takers at my work and the principal even asked if I would be willing to take on another student next year, which I'm actually excited for. This job fits me, but its not fitting for a lifetime job.

My family often says  that I should do something with my art. Ha! My family can be discouraging for that as well. My parents make no disgression over things they consider stupid (my dad almost made one of my friends cry when he went on about how he thought her favorite show, Doctor Who, was so stupid when we were fourteen or so and I grew up with my mom calling the action, sci-fi shows I like stupid which may not seem like much but was heartbreaking as a child), and guess what? Most of the things I like are things they consider stupid and that's not even going into the fact that the themes I explore are rather liberal (like homosexuality, non-binary individuals, and feminism). And then they wonder why I don't share my art with them.

In May, when my brother graduated, one of my cousins came from out of state and stayed in my room. Before I left for work, Mom asked if she could go in to freshen up and I agreed since I have a horrible tendency to miss dust and clutter things on my desk. What I didn't expect her to do was go through my sketchbooks and then frame some of my sketches. And one of the sketchbooks she went through was my oldest one from middle school so seeing all of it was rather triggering. Again my mother wondered why I was acting upset (not to mentioned shocked that I would think that I could easily tell her what was bothering me and expect her to be receptive to things related to my depressive age) and though she agreed to take them down, she apparently forgot to inform my father of it since the next day he barges in to say that for a birthday gift I needed to make new drawing to put up if I was going to take the old ones down.

I found an art class to take each Saturday that's pretty cheap but with a great instructor. So far we are only going over the basics of drawing -perspective, shading, gesture and contour, etc.- but a least its a good shield from my family's inquiring minds about my art.

I probably make my parents out worse then they are, but they are good parents. When we are doing stuff as a family, when the focus isn't on me, we have wonderful time and make many happy memories. But its becoming more apparent that my parents don't understand me on an emotional and mental level. They've asked to meet with my therapist, to make sure they aren't coddling me in regards to the job and staying-at-home thing, and maybe that might help settle some more things.
Anyway, during my hiatus I was working on my original content. I was thinking of posting some things here for feedback, but with my parents going on about how I never share art with them, I'm feeling so guilty over posting things for people other them to see. But they've made it clear that they don't like the genre or themes I like to use in my writing, which is why I want to share it with others who do.

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April 2016

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