Random Rambling Tidbits

 The day of reckoning came and I met it face on! Or I passed the National Exam portions of my certification tests, in other words! 

Oh gosh, does it ever feel like I have a huge weight off my shoulder. Grant it, I still have the State Exam coming up literally next week. This one is more specific to what the state sees; for example, I live in the desert known as Arizona so we can expect questions about Valley Fever, snake bites, and heatstroke. That part I'm fine with, since those are things we had case studies about and I even encoutered during my vet internships. But it also is over the many rules and statues that govern the veterinary board, like what you fill out for which certifications and in how many days is it due. That part I'll need to really sudy. 

In other news, the mice and I have been staying at my parent's since their house was closer than my apartment to the testing center. It's monsoon 
season so there have been a lot of crickets outside. None of them have gotten in the house, but I was joking that if one did get in, I could feed it my mice. Of course, that made me think about feeding them something like that for real. I know mice can have mealworms and some crickets, and aside from being a good source of protein hunting them can be great enrhicment for the mice. The issue is how to go about it. I was asking around at the pet stores and the lowest quantity is 25 mealworms, which is alot for my three mice even assuming that all three will eat them. I want a smaller amount to just see if any ofthem would like it. My cousin (the one with the four boys I was babysitting a while ago) and her husband have a African gray parrot, so we were talking about both of use introducing our pets to mealworms. That way we could split the quantity, but even then 25 would stil be alot. Again, neither of use know if the animals would even like it. As for the live crickets, I could also get them from a pet store, but I need to research more about if they need to be gut loaded like you do for retpiles/amphibians. That, and wait till I'm back in my own space because I know there is no way my mother would allow a cricket in her house XD 

I've been busy with family stuff this past week, which sometimes involved animals!

( Recap Ahoy!  )

So aside from being a paraprofessional, I also run the art club at school. The club is under this 'Fine Arts' umbrella which includes drama, dance, and choir, so it is understood that when they do a school musical, we will help provide props and sets.

Which is fine if we weren't running down to the wire. I only got a 'suggested' list of props at the end of March and only last week did I get a confirmed list for all the props and sets, not to mention confirmation that we will be using the campus's stage instead of going off campus. Basically, last week was the point at which I got all the info for what to do, and the play opens on May 7th.

I'm not the only one to worry about the timing, since we only got casting and stuff done in early March, barely giving us two months to work with. Luckily the musical is Alice in Wonderland, so the kids are excited to go crazy with colors for the sets (after all, who says Wonderland can't have blue and purple trees?).  The other design club teacher runs soccer, so while he is often gone for games and practice, he is more than willing to have his players help with painting things.

Again, it just feels like we're running rather close to the wire and it wasn't helped that the past two weeks have been standardized testing weeks. That meant I had to cover for a lot of classes when the teachers are administrating the tests, leaving me with a very crowded schedule and no time to stop to work on things.

The call date for the props and sets is next Wednesday. I've got some props cut out for the kids to paint at tomorrow's club meeting, and testing will be done by tomorrow, so I can only hope that this will be enough to get everything done.

On the plus side, this has left me very...I guess creatively frustrated during the week, since I have no time to work on my own art during the week. That means when I go to art classes on Saturday , all the pent up creativity finally has an outlet. My instructor is very impressed by how focused and absorbed I am during this time :) 

( Blah Blah Acara's Emotional Issue )
Anyway, during my hiatus I was working on my original content. I was thinking of posting some things here for feedback, but with my parents going on about how I never share art with them, I'm feeling so guilty over posting things for people other them to see. But they've made it clear that they don't like the genre or themes I like to use in my writing, which is why I want to share it with others who do.

ARGH! Our power went out again! Ever since we had those serial blackouts back in August, it seems that every other month they go around trying to fix things, but just end up cutting us off again!

Anyway, I held the first meeting of my Anime and Manga Club at my school yesterday. Considering that I passed out the permission slips for it on Thursday (Friday was no school for the students) and everything was basically word of mouth, the turn out of nine kids wasn't bad; certainly was a more manageable number for me to begin with as I get use to this. I had another kid turn in a permission slip to me and several others express interest once an announcement was formally made, so more might be coming.

But it was fun yesterday. The kids all call me 'senshi' or 'senpai' :D And while they were disappointed that I put an end to any ideas about having shipping wars, but we found more stuff to talk about. They were already talking about club activities like "Cosplay for Charity" or doing White Day grams. I also did a presentation about Valentine Day in Japan and gave them a 'creative challenge'; since so many of them tell me how anime and manga inspire them to draw, write, make AMVs, etc., they for the month of February I want to see if they could make something around the theme of Valentines Day. We're also doing another challenge to come up with a club mascot to put on flyers and stuff.

When we had free discussion, the kids brought up dubbing and we watch different dubbed theme songs, like the Swedish opening for Sailor Moon. I might do that as the topic for next week; I just got the Sailor Moon Reflections book and will see if I could incorporate something from there.

(trigger warning for mentions of abuse, death, depression, and suicide)

While part of the reason I stopped posting -both here and on tumblr- was because I did get a job, the other part of it is that I don't like the holiday season. I use too, but then my family decided to ruin it with me by being assholes.

( Read more... )

Wee, first week of work out of the way and I'm loving it! The staff has been super nice about helping me get situated and the girl I'm working with is such a sweetie with the cutest dimples when she smiles! But it is still so weird to be working at the school without actually being in school; for the past two years, every time I've been teaching I've also had course work to worry about. I still catch myself going 'what classes I have today?" and "what assignment are due?" and it is just so weird.

But it is nice not to have that extra responsibility looming over me. When I switched my majors from Elementary Ed. to Educational Studies, it was because I couldn't take both the classroom responsibility and the course work as well. That really hurt my confidence regarding my teaching abilities and that is the main reason I haven't taken the test for becoming a certified teacher. I think a bit more time at this place and I'll might be reading to take it for the next school year...

Other than that, new job meant that I had to quit procrastinating about cleaning through my closet. I've discovered that I have a surprising amount of shirts and jeans that I should begin wearing more instead of constantly switching through the same seven or so pairs of tank tops and shorts. But it has been so humid here in the desert lately! We're getting flooded with rain and it gets so disgusting out here. Just this weekend we had another monsoon, and between the icky weather and Sophie-cat and Lily-dog going crazy over the thunder and lighting, I've been reminded why I love the dry, desert heat so much!

So, Sunday was my mother's birthday. After the two blackouts we had earlier in August, my dad knew that my mom wanted more candle holders so he got her a candle tray with stones in it, kind of like this. Mom loved it, but noted that she got it after the blackouts.

WELL YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPEN LAST NIGHT? Hint: Another blackout. At least Mom was able to put her birthday present to good use, but that doesn't change the fact that this is monsoon season, so the nights are hot and humid. You know things are bad when people are saying that they wished the power went out during the day! At least then, they could go to an air-conditioned place that is open!

At least, that how the rest of my family saw it. I'm definitely the most adapt to heat in the family, so it was no big deal for me, That just meant that I was on duty to give Lily ice water to help her cool down. Poor baby...

Oh, and I got Mom her own flute pan/angel food pan so she has her own and doesn't have to keep borrowing from her friends. We're planning to break it in by making Grandma's pound cake again this week :) 

(trigger warning for mention of depression)

I've been feeling really depressed lately, largely because of the job thing. Since school started, I just felt like I missed my-self imposed deadline for getting a job. But my therapist and a family friend (who was a teacher herself until she retired last year) reminded me that there will still be having job posting, and even have new positions opening as they realize what they still need. But it was still a depressive episode; I didn't even get around to submitting anything last week just because I felt so stagnated and wondering what is the point if I'm just going to be turned down again. But I need to keep going and this was actually a subject we touched on when I was interning at the job center. I need to set small, reachable objectives as I continue to work towards my goal of getting a job. Right now it is just making sure that I submit an application each day, which I have been doing so far.

I still need to work on getting out of my rut. I might try to get back to drawing and writing, and maybe even hanging out on tumblr and Skype again.

(trigger warnings for mentions of depression, suicide, and self-harming)

Netbug, you made a wonderful post about Robin Williams and depression and I wanted to respond to it, but I ended up kind of rambling, so I'm making a DW entry out of it. But you get credit for inspiring this post :)

Anyway, I was thinking about what Netbug said and it took me back to my high school years, when I was severely depressed; I actually had a contract I made with myself that said I was going to kill myself when I turned 18 because I hated myself so much and just couldn't imagine carrying on with this pain into my adult life. I was suffering and I needed help.

And I told my parents two times during this time. Technically three, as the first time I told them I was suicidal was in 8th grade when my brother caught me with an arm red with bite marks. And they did nothing.

Oh sure, they made sure to keep an extra eye on me, always asking how I'm feeling and if I was having 'those thoughts' again and about how they would pray for me. But after a while they think everything was fine with me, that I had managed to 'snap out of it' and let the status quo resume...until I broke down again. This happen my sophomore year (when I confessed to cutting myself) and my senior year (when I broke down crying during lunch). And each time it was the same 'we'll pray and keep an eye on you' solution. It wasn't until Mother's Day of 2012, when I lashed out at one of my cousins, that they finally took me to my aunt's therapist. And said therapist was the one who finally told my parents to take me a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with clinical depression and gave me anti-depressants. But the pills alone weren't enough, as it took one more breakdown for me to finally see a therapist regularly.

My brother once asked me why I needed other people to walk me through these things (my university's counselors were the ones who helped me find an affordable therapist) and the answer is that was how I grew up. After all, if I really needed professional help, surely my parents would have given it to me after I confessed to being suicidal three times?

But my parents didn't understand. Sure, my aunts and uncles may struggle with it because my grandparents were abusive, but me? Their happy-go-lucky, bubbly daughter? I don't think they understood that depression is more than just a mood that results for trauma. Heck, they still don't understand it. Last week, with my sister starting high school, my own four years were brought up and I didn't sugar-coat it that just how I felt during that time. And they get so offended by it, asking me if they 'were really such bad parents that I lead such a miserable life'.

I love my parents and they are wonderful, but they don't get that depression can be chemical, an imbalance in the brain they have no control over. Our family has a history of mental illnesses and I happened to win the genetic lottery that dictates my brain to be that way. The way I felt beneath my false smiles, the way I can still feel, had absolutely nothing to do with them.

The only thing they are responsible for is how they responded it to it.

So, yes, if you are suffering, please, speak up and don't continue to hurt. But everyone else has a responsibility as well, one to listen to the voice, to understand and not silence them. Because after a while, we will see that our words grant us no relief, so we will just quit talking.